Pageant Minute: Miss Universe 2011--Preliminary Evening Gowns--The "Oh No You Didn't!" Group!!!

A Universal HOT MESS...

Well, with "The Good" and "The Transparent" , must also come the "Hot Messes", or as I like to say the "Oh No She Didn't" Group. As you know, it's Miss Universe Time!!! The Final Miss Universe 2011 Telecast is TONIGHT--LIVE from the Brazilian MEGAcity São Paulo and in my last two posts I have given my "Nick V" Reviews on my Top Picks as well as the Transparent/Over-Embroidered Trend from seeing the photos and video of last Thursday night's Miss Universe Preliminary Competition.
All right kids, I hate to do this...but here are the Girls Who Should Have Known Better--Evening Gown-wise--I will Section them off by Continental Regions. Let's begin with...

Europe:

Miss Belgium Universe 2011 Justine De Jonckheere: Oh Lordy! She wore this same tacky-licious gown for the "Official Evening Gown Portraits" and ended up in my "Hot Mess" List then. Why would she wear this gown again is beyond me. It looks like a First Semester Fashion School Class Project.

For some reason, Europe had A LOT of messes. What is up with that? Are they having a lack of evening gown designers? Why is the European "Taste Level" for choosing and wearing Evening Gowns--when it comes to Beauty Pageants--just a little bit left of "What Is She Thinking?" After watching so many of these international beauty pageants, I am used to seeing a lot of those "Kooky" Eastern European girls choose gowns that look as if they were made in a one-bedroom apartment with little electricity...but for some reason, this year, this "Kooky" trend has spread throughout the continent--from East to West.

Miss Russia Universe 2011 Natalia Gantimurova: Here's the good part: I love the bustier/top portion and how it's draped; very Dior Haute Couture. But then it all goes Bad Prom Quinceañera from the waist down. It's just such a mess, I don't even know where to begin, other than taking that whole bottom gown section off and replacing it with a clean, fitted section. The garish colors of BLOOD red and muted olive did not help her either.

Miss Spain Universe 2011 Paula Guillo: Oh HUNEY! What is this dress? It's a strapless short mini but...with an iridescent chiffon over-lay being held up by a piece of embroidered applique'. I DO NOT get it. She's such a pretty girl. Why she wanted to look like a "Real Housewives of (fill in the blank)" at a tacky wedding in Atlantic City, is beyond me. No Señorita. Think of what Crown Princess Letizia would have worn...now go change!

Miss Kazakhstan Universe 2011 Valeriya Aleinikova: Yes, I know the Big/Strong Shoulders Trend is very NOW, but not in this manner. While the bias-cut slinky gown portion does flatter her figure, those inset Leg-o-Mutton sleeves, DO NOT. One thing's for sure, "Dynasty" Designer Nolan Miller as well as actresses Joan Collins and Linda Evans...they would be proud!

Miss Portugal Universe 2011 Laura Goncalves: Laura is such a pretty girl. She should have chosen a simpler, more elegant gown. Because this one, just didn't work for me--or for her! The top portion is fine with its criss-cross draped ruching, but then the bottom portion!? WHAT. Is. That. Fabric? And WHY is it on her? It looks like a throw-rug from Walmart's bathroom towels-and-mats section.

Miss Romania Universe 2011 Larisa Popa: Well, well, well, what have we got here? When she came out in this gown, the first thing I noticed was the bright bubblegum pink and apple-green fabrication, and I exclaimed an "All righty then!" Besides the over-abundance of Candy Colors, this one shoulder A-line shaped gown makes her look like a Bridesmaid from 1984 who is heading straight to the Open Bar!

Miss Hungary Universe 2011 Betta Lipcsei: OK, here's another example of the top portion being OK but then it went to Nuclear Wrinkled Taffeta Explosion! How, in the name of the Pageant Gods, did she think--as it was "presented to her" as THE gown she would wear to the Miss Universe Pageant--that this is even cute, elegant and worthy of having a crown being put on her head. It's so big at the bottom, she could hide ten Hungarian 4 year old's under there!

Miss Greece Universe 2011 Iliana Papageorgiou: Iliana is on a lot of pageant-watchers "Favorites" List as a possible contender for tonight's crown. But, not in this gown! It is a cheap polyester satin mess! And are those organza rosettes framing the high-low hem of the gown? No!!! And oh, should I even begin to discuss the turquoise blue pumps? OK, I will. They are FABULOUS! I give her that. And they're perfect when worn with a sexy Herve Leger--or NIKOLAKI mini dress (wink wink!), but NOT, EVER...with this gown.

South America:

Miss Guyana Universe 2011 Kara Lord: OK, this gown is perplexing. She's a Mermaid, I think. There are also design suggestions in this gown of that famous Boticelli painting "The Birth of Venus" (the seashell-looking bust sections, the flora-and-fauna sequined skirt). But then what's in the back? Is she "pooping" (sorry but I had to!), iridescent organza? WHY????? Maybe this is considered an evening gown trend in Guyana but not anywhere else I've been to!

North and Central America:

Miss Canada Universe 2011 Chelsae Durocher: Now, we're onto the "North American Fashion Victims" beginning with Canada. I love the Mermaid shape, but there's something about the fabric and that shoulder-exposing sleeve detail that makes it look cheap, dated and almost home-made. And really, was there a need to place a swirly applique' RIGHT ON HER BUST???!!!

Miss Guatemala 2011 Alejandra Barillas: Oh, Alejandra! At least you are consistent. She wore a mess of a gown for the "Official Evening Gown Portraits" and here she goes again, but this time a different mess of a gown! She's "on trend" with the Transparency thing as well as the strong shoulders, yet the overall effect makes her look like a 50-something year-old wife of a Mobster at a New Jersey Wedding. The side cut-outs, the too-short front, the tacky stretch lace at the THIGH and lower arms...Pobrecita, is what my abuelita would have said!

Miss Costa Rica 2011 Johanna Solano: Finally, last but not least in my "Miss Universe 2011 Hall of Shame Evening Gowns" was this one from the very pretty Johanna, Miss Costa Rica. Is she doing Bizet's "Carmen" in San Jose? The tiered ruffles on the gown are falling FLAT and look like the window drapes of an old lady's house; the rosettes on the torso/bustier are so "Happy Hands at Home"; the middle parted-yet-poufed in the back hairstyle is so 1992 Prom Photo. I wonder if these girls are forced to wear these things or they actually pick them and therefore (I am so scared) have no taste when it comes to wearing gowns...Maybe next time Miss Costa Rica. I know you can make me proud...

Miss USA 2011 Evening Gown Portrait Photos: The "Miss Messes" And Why...

Too-High Slits, Stripper Heels, Cruella De Vil Hair, Gay Pride Parade Drag Queens and Anchor Tattoos??? Seriously...It's The Miss USA 2011 Evening Gown Portraits!!!!!

Well, kids, it's Beauty Pageant Time once again! And I, for one, am THRILLED! The Miss USA 2011 Pageant will air on June 19th (PM (EST) LIVE from Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Las Vegas Nevada. The 51 contestants have already arrived from all over the country to have their fittings, begin rehearsals, photo-ops and get generally ready for the Final Night. As always, the Miss USA website puts up photos of the contestants in their Swimsuits and Evening Gowns--the "Evening Gown Portraits". Now, these are NOT necessarily the actual FINAL Gowns they will wear on the FINAL night (A LOT, reserve a "very special" gown for that!). But still, it does give a good indication of their "taste level" and well, how "Gown-Savvy" and "Not-So-Gown-Savvy" these women are. So, even though these ARE NOT NECESSARILY the Final Gowns they will wear on the Telecast if they make it to the Top, I still have to give my "Nick Beauty Pageant Gown Two Cents"...

We will begin with "The Miss Messes":

Miss Maine USA: Bless her heart! Miss Maine USA Ashley Lynn-Marble. One question: WHY oh WHY, the Cruella De Vil Hair?? I mean, really. Also, she's so pretty (and only 27 years old) but with this "Mother-of-the-Bride" halter-style sequin-embroidered gown--plus that hair and make-up--she looks like a 42 year old "Real Housewife of Orange County"! And she HAD to add the earrings AND the TWO--not just ONE--crystal bracelet/cuffs. Overkill darlin'
Miss Massachusetts USA: The lovely Alida D'Angona, Miss Massachusetts USA, took the whole "I-Love-Me-A-Slit" thing to an ENTIRE new level! And by that, she actually TOOK her slit to a NEW LEVEL: To the Empire Waist!! Check that out in the above photo. It wasn't enough that the SLIT already goes up to her nether-regions but then, the designer--or her--decide "Nope, let's just take that slit up to my Under-Bust". At least they added a sheer-and-sequined panel to add a little more "Klass". Yes, with a Capital "K". Part of me feels like I would LOVE to have many a Di Saronno "on the rocks" with her!

Miss Delaware USA: Oh HUNEY. At a brief first glance of this photo, I actually thought Katie Hanson, Miss Delaware USA was holding up her dress and her boobie area (sorry for the Kindergarten-speak). But then, I realized, nope, she's just caressing her hair. Um...OK. But let's discuss the gown: Baby Blue, Strapless, Sequins, Shirring, Chiffon, AND FEATHERS!!! Wow. Why do I feel like she's about to take it all off and do a Dita Von Teese "Feathered Fan Dance"? Also, Ladies, Strapless gowns are NOT made for BIG BREASTED ladies. Why do you wear them? When you do, the above happens, it begins to slip down and looks far too low on the torso area. Lesson No. 56: A Strapless gown should really begin about 1"- 1 1/2" below the armpit area (at the side) NOT THREE inches (Note to Miss Massachusetts also).

Miss Arizona USA: Well Well Well. Look what we've got here on Miss Arizona USA Brittany Dawn Brannon. Correct me if I'm wrong but is her TRAIN longer than the one on the former Kate Middleton-now-Catherine Duchess of Cambridge's wedding gown??? There is NO REASON for a gown like this to have a "Cathedral Train". None. There is FAR too much polyester charmeuse up in there. All I wanna do is get some Chardonnay, Artisanal Cheeses, sit down and set up a picnic on top of it!

Miss Michigan USA: One Word: Grrrrrr!!!! The UBER gorgeous (and one of my current faves-just look at that face!) Channing Pierce is not doing herself any favors by wearing this animal-print lingerie-inspired dress to her "Miss USA Evening Gown Portrait". It's very Cavalli-meets-Trashy Lingerie. The one good thing is that at least she kept the hair and make-up soft and not over-done. At least she still looked 24, not 44 (like some of the other lovely contestants).

Miss Rhode Island USA: Kate McCaughey's gown is very "Pageant 101", I've seen this one too many times in Downtown LA at those Pageant-Prom-Quinceañera shops. Nothing against it, "Safe Pageant" you might say. But what I do have a hoot-and-holler time with is...(Look up above, yes at her feet!) Is she showing us her ANCHOR TATTOO??? And why? At first I looked down there because of those over-the-top sequin strappy platforms, but then I was distracted--by THE TATTOO!! Oh Huney. Let me guess, she either:
A) loves sailing
B) her father is a Captain of a boat
C) Her boyfriend is a Marine or
D) Someone went on a Cruise to Cabo and this is what happened.
Either way, not "Miss USA Evening Gown Portrait" appropriate. Save this for your audition at "Scores".

Miss Nevada USA: I've saved the BEST "Miss Mess" for last. And the Winner is...Miss Nevada USA, Sarah Chapman!! Let's just begin with the fact that, just from looking at this photo, I think I would have a GREAT time hanging out with her! She looks so SASSY! In addition, who in their right mind would wear a MESS of a Dress like this one above? She must be crazy-fun. But still, this looks like my fellow Season 2 Project Runway contestant Santino Rice's dress for the Figure Skating Challenge!! It also reminds me of something a Drag Queen would wear atop a Gay Pride Parade float as well! And because of this, she gets my "Miss Mess of The Week" Nick Award.

I Love Me some Pageants..and Pageant Gowns...
Stay Tuned for my "Miss Best Gowns"...

Pageant Fashion: Miss Uruguay Universe 2011...and her "Toddlers & Tiaras" Iridescent Poly Organza Gown...

Uruguay Pageant Gowns...Uh Oh!!

Pretty Girl...BAAAD gown: Miss Uruguay Universe 2011 Fernanda Semino, and her baby blue iridescent poly organza and sequin gown

On May 28th, the very pretty Fernanda Semino was crowned Miss Uruguay Universe 2011 in the resort/beach city of Punta del Este. Uruguay is not known for its winning pageant girls--but rather for having some GORGEOUS beaches (Hello, Punta del Este!!), as well as being a very "Euro" enclave of South America (Approximately 9o% of the population is either of full Spanish or Italian descent).

Gown No-No: Miss Uruguay Universe 2011 Fernanda Semino, (center) and her baby blue iridescent poly organza gown

This year's winner was a gorgeous dark-blond haired beauty. She won, despite the fact that well, she wore a baby blue iridescent poly organza and sequin gown that, even some Drag Queens would consider OFFENSIVE. And by the looks of the other contestants gowns, it looks like a Caché boutique Nightmare--or Dream, depending on how you see it!!! In addition, it was SOOOO TLC's "Toddlers & Tiaras", the adult version (I'm also a bit scared of the gown on the girl on the far right!).

Her First Runner-Up was Belen Sogliano (above, in black gown) who was crowned Miss Uruguay World 2011 (she will represent her country in this winter's Miss World Pageant to be held in London this November) and she didn't fare any better in the Gown Department. Belen wore a black one-shoulder "Mermaid"-style gown that featured cut-out's (yes, CUT OUT'S!) and very tacky applique. I guess, what is considered Haute Couture or HAUTE Gown Style may be different in Uruguay but frankly, these gowns needed help. When will Beauty Pageants evolve in terms of the Gown Department and grow up from tacky Prom Nightmares to looking like actual red carpet gowns Hollywood starlets would wear? Let's just hope, when these two very lovely ladies get to their respective Miss Universe and Miss World competitions, they get better Gown Advice. Word has it that they are both going to Colombia for some Pageant Coaching...maybe Colombia has better gowns for them.

And remember Ladies: Lo Barato Sale Caro! Translation: The Cheap Comes Out Expensive. In other words: PAY the BIG money for the real red carpet pageant-winning gowns! Just sayin'